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Ah, Ambivalence I have a headache again. This is probably not helped by the fact that I had a bunch of Keebler Town House crackers & cheese for lunch, along with a big glass of water. Why did I make such a stupid choice for lunch? I did it because I am preparing to move into an apartment which I probably cannot honestly afford, and today, I had to have my right front tire replaced, and I am trying desperately to curb my spending and save money. Actually, I should have had the tire replaced a couple days ago, when I drove into work feeling that the car was "pulling" (against my will) to the right, then noticed, when I got out, that the tire was nearly flat. Instead, I reinflated it and drove around on it for awhile, reinflating it daily, as it tended to lose pressure at a rate of about two thirds of a pound per hour. The expenditure for the replacement of one tire was just under $160. Yes, I drive an unnecessarily expensive car (I thought to myself, a few nights ago, on seeing a commercial for some $13,000 vehicle, that I ought to have bought something along those lines, rather than leasing something that costs twice as much, but my logic at the time was sound; things have just changed rather drastically since.) which has expensive and sporty racing tires on it, though now, two of them are of one sort, one is of a second, and one is of a third, because it's nearly impossible to obtain the first sort on short notice around here, and even if it weren't, those would have been even more expensive. The headache is also not helped by the fact I'm at work, doing approximately nothing because I don't feel like dealing with the problems at hand, and I can get away with putting them off 'til sometime this weekend, when I can actually come in here and focus, without people saying to me every ten or fifteen minutes, "DJRainDog, my computer just did something funny," to which I often respond, "What it did may be many things, but I doubt I'll find it funny." (Usually, the problem is of the magnitude of someone's e-mail message disappearing because they accidentally minimised it. I do, have sitting next to my desk a computer whose BIOS I have reset, whose power supply I have replaced, which I have generally gutted and put back together in the interest of returning it to function, but which defies me by developing a new problem for each one that I fix; however, this is not a challenge which I wish to face today.) The headache is finally not helped by the fact that I'm currently listening to John Adams's composition "Naive and Sentimental Music," which is truly incredible stuff, particularly for a lonely drive through the wilds of rural Maine in the summertime, but not, overall, the most soothing piece of music ever written. (Many thanks to Marcus for introducing me to this piece of music as soon as the recording of the L.A. Philharmonic under Esa-Pekka Salonen arrived; it has given me great pleasure in a number of situations, and I never cease to marvel at its grandeur. I like what I know of Adams's music (Probably his most well-known works are "A Short Ride in a Fast Machine" and the opera NIXON IN CHINA.), though I don't know much about him or his intentions as a composer, apart from that he writes stunning percussion parts (as does Ron Nelson, by the way), and I'm not sure I understand this piece. I'm not entirely sure I want to understand it, either; it seems enough to know that it speaks to me of vast expanses.) Obviously, I've also been remiss this week in updating this thing (though much to my chagrin, I'm not the only one...d-rex17 has had little to say, as has talula1217; deadbodies has fallen almost completely silent of late, though I have the impression that updating regularly in a "chronicling" fashion is not so much his thing; jonathan29, whose entire history I read late last week (and whose boyfriend I'd never tolerate, based on what he's written about him, but obviously, that's not my decision) hasn't written anything for a few days...blissfully, ryan8-5cut continues to write and be, if not as scandalously amusing as he was when his layout was all red, at least very genuinely engaging...and today, I've discovered two charming New York GayBoys, doghigh (actually, that was a rediscovery) and fulminous (a great name derived from a semi-archaic term based on a Latin word, of course)...Does it seem that I spend entirely too much time reading diaryland entries? At least I read very quickly). As a consequence, there are a good number of things about which I've wanted to write but not done so. Tuesday, rather than going out to BAR, I went to Blockbuster and rented THE BOURNE IDENTITY (I'm not sure if I liked it; Matt Damon is an unlikely action hero, but oh, how I love to look at him.), 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS (Disappointing: Josh Hartnett is not, despite the credit I'd given him for the last year after seeing the poster on Marcus's wall from an issue of TEEN PEOPLE or something, typically all THAT hot, I think, nor is he a particularly interesting actor.), WONDER BOYS, and three other movies which I'll discuss after I've watched them. I must pause to praise WONDER BOYS. I love the way it's written. I love the way it's filmed. I love the way it's directed. I love Tobey Maguire's innocence and darkness. I love Michael Douglas's...oh, everything. I'm not a big fan of his, but his character in this movie is really something, I think. He's the professor I always wished I had at Yale, though I never realised it. If you have in your being a creative impulse and feel the need to express it, you MUST see this film. There were moments at which I laughed so loudly I know I must have awakened the neighbours, as well as those which seemed so very TRUE that I stopped breathing for a bit. I drank Southern Comfort (rather a lot of it) and smoked cigarettes whilst watching this, passed out on the sofa afterwards, and woke with such a feeling of having been kicked in the head and the gut the next morning that I called in sick to work. (I did finally come into the office early in the afternoon.) Wednesday was hangover-day and flat-tire realisation day. (In fact, the tire had been damaged weeks, perhaps months before, and I knew it would eventually have to be replaced, lest it decide to blow out on the highway with me driving eighty-five or so miles per hour, which would have REALLY blown, har-har.) On the lunch break which I had no right to take, I walked from the office to my new apartment complex, where I attempted to turn in copies of my bank account data from the last six months, but discovered the internet printout I'd produced was not sufficient, so I had to fax the "Official Documentation" on Thursday. The walk down to Ninth Square was nice enough, though I should have worn more serious shoes, so I could walk through the snow on the Green, rather than staying on the plowed paths. We still have four or so inches of snow on the ground, which is not really that much to play with (and only about half enough for me to fuck...I think I'm going to start being more crude on here, talking about sex and such, since it IS one of my major interests, and since the subject sort-of revolves (ahem) around my cock, I figure that's a good place to start), but I do enjoy walking through it. Wednesday was also the day when it was so cold when I left the office that night that I feared the water in my eyes might freeze on the way to the car. I shit you not. I love winter like no one else I know, but that was fucking cold. I was even wearing my warmest coat (big puffy silvery wet-looking Hilfiger thing) and dressed appropriately for the weather, a serious deviation, as normally, I persist in wearing my leather jacket (often unzipped), which is more fashion accessory than something one wears to keep warm, no t-shirts under my shirts, and the same trousers I wear in spring and autumn through the season, which while beautiful and snow-filled this year, is kicking my ass along with everyone else's. Thursday was rather boring. I'm sure I masturbated while watching porn, as is my habit (gay porn, thanks...much as I love tits and pussy and the shape of the female ass, I tend to find hetero porn utterly unexciting, as it's usually so painfully bad), maybe even twice. (Since C and I are still together, I'm not allowed to do anyone else, and I haven't seen him since last Saturday morning.) Oh, yeah, and I watched HOT OR NOT on ABC. Those judges, in some cases, were idiots. The woman who was a lawyer whom they declared "NOT" (at which the very wise audience "Boo"ed loudly)? She was FIIIIIIIIIINE. Some of the women they chose as "HOT"? Too fucking skinny. Don't get me wrong; skinny girls are often pretty, but there is such a thing as too much. Personally, I dig curves, and I tend to be afraid, with girls who are too thin, that I might hurt them, as I am not the most gentle man in bed. It's not that I'm deliberately trying to do harm (usually, though if you're one of those who like it and you make it clear that you want it, that's a different story), but I'm a GUY, and even when we're gentle, we're still kinda rough. For the record, I was also seriously into the 18-year-old landscaper dude from Minnesota; he was absolutely adorable, and when he walked out on the stage the first time, with that open shirt blowing behind him, I nearly melted. I really wish he'd maintained that kind of confidence when they stripped him to his boxers later, though (It was supposed to be a bathing suit, but it looked more like boxers to me). Though I loathe, detest, abhor AMERICAN IDOL, this is much more fun, being utterly and unabashedly superficial and all about sex, rather than the pretense of talent, so I went to abc.com today and voted for my faves. (Cari and Jonathan, for the record. I was disappointed to discover I could only vote for one woman and one man. I also was hot for Kevin (The judges should've left him alone for his slightly uneven teeth, which make him look a little rougher, which was a turn-on, but when he was practically shaking as they exposed his flaw, his sex appeal diminished; he should've growled like a tiger and bared the teeth like he was gonna attack somebody...MUCH hotter.) and Lisa, though her super-cool swimsuit made her look just a tiny bit too thin for my taste.) Can someone please tell me, though, what is up with guys with ENORMOUS upper bodies and legs that make the women's legs look muscular by comparison? Today is Valentine's Day. I'm wearing a red and black plaid flannel shirt and black carpenter jeans. (Oh, yes, I want to be a lumberjack.) C finally called me this morning while he was driving to Boston, and despite my sometime feeling that we're slipping, I'd love for us to get together for dinner tonight and fuck like dogs afterwards (which he obviously wants to do, as he mentioned it on the phone). Ah, ambivalence. r
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