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Escalate This! There are three escalators at the 181st St. subway station on the A line in Manhattan. Most of the time, for the last year, at least one of them has not been working. During a period when two of the three were not functioning, the MTA, in its vast and unfathomable wisdom, decided it would be wise to install speakers along the dividers between the escalators, which play pre-recorded messages at regular intervals durings one's ascent/descent. My scorn for the MTA is widely-known, so I won't discuss that at great length here, but suffice it to say that those silly recorded messages have worked constantly since their installation -- far more often than the escalators themselves. A few nights ago, having returned home quite tired and rather late at night, while riding the escalator up from the train, I listened to the messages and began to giggle quite uncontrollably at the messages, as I perverted them in my addled brain. I rode the escalator back down and then up again so that I could scribble them all down on an unused deposit slip in the back of my cheque-book. They are reproduced here, along with the thoughts which inspired the late-night giggles. (Caveat lector: They are offensive in a foul-mouthed 13-year-old sort of way, so if you've a problem with the word "cock", you should skip this one.) "For your child's safety, do not allow them to play on or near the escalator." This one annoys me, as it plays into one of my major grammatical pet-peeves (I love pronoun/antecedent, subject/verb agreement, and parallelisms), but it also makes me giggle when I think, "For your child's safety, do not allow him or her to play on or near my cock." "Please face forward while riding the escalator." But please face me while you're riding my cock, as it makes it easier to kiss you, and I like watching the faces you make. "Avoid the sides of the escalator." And of my ass, as I don't like being spanked. Concern yourself, rather, with the centre. "Please do not sit on the steps or the handrail." But feel free to sit on my face...or my cock. "Baby-strollers, push-carts and pull-carts are not permitted on the escalator." Nor are they permitted on my cock. "Please watch your step getting on and off." Of my cock. "Please, no materials on the escalator." Please, no materials other than cotton or silk on my naughty bits. You thought I was going to say "cock", didn't you? "Please hold the hand-rail while riding the escalator." You may also wish to hold the hand-rail while riding my cock. Good luck with that. "Please be careful while riding the escalator." Likewise while -- say it with me -- riding my cock. "Have a nice day!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you. Damn, I'm horny. r
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