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Pathos! I'm ridiculous. I woke this morning feeling great and psyched to go out and get my groove on tonight, but at this point, I'm spiraling right back down into the Bad Place, where I haven't hung out in a LONG time. I'm not entirely sure why. Wait. Yes, I am. I'm alone. It's really starting to register. The visit with Dad last week was lovely and wonderful; we didn't fight at all, and it's the longest period of time I've spent with him since August of '98. I took him to the railway station Sunday night, sat and chatted for awhile, and left when his train was announced. He called the next day to say he'd arrived home safely. Yes, his being around forced me to modify my usual schedule a bit, but it was well worth it. Now, however, that Lars and I have been split for a month, it's starting to sink in that "single" doesn't just mean "free," but also "alone." I listened to a Siouxsie and the Banshees disc (TINDERBOX) that I hadn't listened to in quite a long time one day last week; I used to be so much darker and more violent. As much as I think it's beautiful, I don't really want to go back and live there again. Thanksgiving, while a wonderful idea, involves some severely foolish practices, like that whole thing of eating 'til one feels like the stuffed turkey itself. I ache from the gym yesterday morning, and I have to go there tonight. If I smoke, I must restrain myself from eating. I have about a month to get into the kind of shape required to feel comfortable naked in public. (Not because I'm planning to be naked in public, but because I love my bad intentions.) I'm so petty; rather than feeling insecure, I should put more energy into encouraging others. I had a VERY LONG phone call from Adrienne last night, which was quite enjoyable. Hopefully, I can manage to be of some use. I do not accept this loneliness. I reject solitude. I am young, cute and talented. I shall run, smoke, drink and dance, for life is worth celebrating. I may edit or delete this later; it seems awfully manic-depressive. r Now Playing: Faithless, OUTROSPECTIVE
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