|
Analysis of Unrepentance Okay, enough time off. I'm starting to like posting to this diary in a fashion similar to the way in which I like sex; I find that regularity and quality are important attributes. After a couple days of consideration and encouraging messages from a few folks (And thank you, by the way; you know who you are. Wow, a lot of meanings could be derived from that compound sentence, and I mean every last one of them.), I've determined I shall continue, and in much the same fashion as before. This is, after all, my diary, intended to reflect my thoughts and feelings about events in my life. I'm aware of the little game of Russian roulette I might well be playing with family and friends floating around out there on the internet, but on the other hand, if they go reading things they've no business reading, I suppose they deserve whatever they find. In any case, it might finally resolve some questions and issues which have remained silent under the table for probably too long. Why is it that the majority of people my age who are not entirely heterosexual seem to have dealt with these issues and addressed them with their family, friends, loved ones, yet I feel this inexplicable need to keep my mouth shut, at least as regards the family, for fear of causing them pain? I justify this situation, which amounts to the same thing as if I were to take a knife to my flesh every time I discuss relationships with them, by saying that the pain it would cause them to know of my attraction to men would be greater than the pain it causes me to keep it quiet. I'm sometimes not so convinced that's particularly well-grounded. My parents, at least, are aware of my dalliances with men in college ("College very gay time!" Thank you, Margaret Cho and your mother.), though they are not, I think, aware of precisely the extent of those liaisons. They know, too, that I live in a self-imposed exile of sorts from them, and they know that I blame this largely on weather and cultural/lifestyle climate, which they MUST realise means there are aspects of my life which fit better in the northeast than in the Old South. They also know that I haven't had a serious female love interest in about three years, as I've not mentioned one...And to shut them up, I WOULD have mentioned one if one existed. Mother, thankfully, has stopped asking questions; step-father has never really felt the need to pry. Dad occasionally raises the issue, so I try to consistently steer our phone conversations away from it, staying to the calmer waters of details about work, side projects, music, and yes, even the government, despite our wildly divergent views in that department; step-mother and I aren't particularly close, though we do enjoy each other's company. Mother and step-father are not computer-savvy, and I don't think it would occur to them to do an internet search on "djraindog." Father and step-mother have a computer; what they surf the 'net for is quite beyond my realm of knowledge, and I hope that any sort of probing that might lead them here is outside the scope of their interest. Mother's sister has a computer, but I think her use of it is rather limited. Cousin, who has four children, is computer-friendly; I pray to their Southern Baptist version of God, as well as my own, that they have no knowledge of my identity as DJRainDog that might lead them here. Perhaps I would be wise to inform everyone that I have severed all relations with my old e-mail accounts in favour of [First Initial][Last Name]@[Company].com. In any case, I'm aware that the last several entries have been largely sexual in nature, but that has a lot to do with the fact that I've been very sexual lately, moreso, in fact, than usual, which is indeed a bit alarming. Interestingly, as I prepare to take a little jaunt to Provincetown next week (first REAL vacation I've had in years) with a very dear old friend (Okay, he's not that old; he's just turning thirty.) whom I've not seen since we parted company early one April morning in Paris in 1998, the oversexed phase seems largely to have run its course. I won't go into much more detail than to say that I spent a very pleasant and enjoyable evening with SoccerBoi last night at his new place, and he is a very pleasant presence next to which to awaken. This morning at work I was a bit cranky, though I'm not quite sure why, so early this afternoon, I had the bright idea that a present for myself was in order. I hadn't bought any new CDs in ages, so I took a little trip around the corner to the music store with my full frequent buyers' card entitling me to $20 off any purchase totaling more than $20, and I began browsing. I did not, unfortunately, find a copy of Maria McKee's new release, High Dive, for which I was searching, but instead, purchased Southside, the hard-to-find 1989 release from British band Texas, whom I love; Juno Reactor's compilation Odyssey (I'm fond of their remix of the Creatures' "Another Planet", so I figured I'd give the original material a try.); Concrete Blonde's Live in Brazil, their only official live release; a very unusual mini-CD release of Dido's "All You Want" (a different take on the album version, a very deep-sounding remix, a live version, and the lovely neo-folk tune she and her brother Rollo penned, "Christmas Day"); and finally, Bruce Hornsby's Hot House, the album which I finally discovered was playing the last time I had lunch at Richter's (When I was younger, I didn't have a whole lot of respect for Hornsby, partly because he came from the same area I did and I was told I should love him as a "hometown hero" of sorts, and partly because his playing seemed to involve a lot of right hand and not much that impressed me from the left; listening to this disc, though, convinced me that he is indeed a very talented song-smith and a piano-playin' mother-fucker, so I plan to enjoy it quite a lot.). I'm now in a much better mood, indeed, but listening to disc two of Saint Etienne's Casino Classics, as I couldn't decide which of the new discs to put into the CD player. I'm ridiculous. Among the other projects I've undertaken today have been the reading of dj-eurotrash's diary, which led me to take two online tests, my thoughts on which follow.
Based on the site's definitions of "Schizotypal," and "Narcissistic," I'd say I have to agree with this assessment. In fact, I'm mildly manic-depressive/bipolar, with the emphasis for me on the "depressive" end, but I generally do alright on my own, so it doesn't worry us much. This one really amused me, though. The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test I'm not at all sure how I got away with Purgatory, here, as I was clearly very well-qualified for Level 2 (Lustful) and Level 7 (Violent), but perhaps God is merciful and allows you to enter the least unpleasant level of Hell for which you qualify. I'd certainly like to hope so. I don't even think I need to address my qualifications for Level 2, which in the site's description, doesn't sound like such a terrible place, and where it would seem I'd be in pretty good company (Helen of Troy? Bring it! I always did want to see just how beautiful that bitch was.). For Level 7, though, I'm not at all sure what makes me qualify. Yes, I've quite a high-strung temperament, sometimes, but it typically does not lead me to act out in physically violent fashions. The worst manifestation of this seems to be when, alone in my apartment, I occasionally toss the phone book against the ceiling or the floor, both of which are concrete and quite solid, so no real harm is possible, save to the phone book, unless I accidentally hit something else, which is pretty unlikely. Other than that, I'm prone to outbursts of foul language and murderous ambition, but typically, the outburst serves to de-fuse the fury, and all returns to the normal "terminally mellow" state within minutes. In any case, I suppose I'm thankful; one day, I might actually make it to Heaven. And in view of my many faults and foibles, that is a gracious thought, indeed. r P.S.: Yeah, that's a new link up there on the left. "Speculation" is sort-of a quick fact sheet that I wasn't so quick at completing. Just did it as a reference for those who might want to know a little random but potentially useful shiznit about me who might've wandered in here for the first time. Hope y'all enjoy!
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||