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iPod Psychology 29 September 2005 4 17:38 I hate these things; they never yield results more fruitful than the psychology one is willing to read into them, and I hate the whole band-wagon mentality (Okay, I actually quite like the band, but I fuckin� HATE the wagon; keep that fucker away from me). People have been telling me about this for ages, though, and so, following the example of Le Biscuit and L'Hiboux, and being bored at about 2.30 in the morning, I decided I�d give the �Mix de morceaux� function on my little shiny blue iPod mini (It�s named �Songs for the Underground� �cause that�s mostly where I listen to it.) a try after telling it what I was doing and assuring it that I would NOT rely on its judgment in music on a regular basis anytime soon. Here�s what I got out of the first 13 tracks it chose: 1. What do you think of me? �Bitter Pill� - Annie Lennox Probably my favourite track off Annie�s last album, Bare, this song boasts lyrics like, �Don�t you ever call me / I don�t wanna see your face / Don�t you dare to call me / Don�t darken up this place� and a refrain of �Ooh, it means nothing to me / Ooh, you mean nothing to me.� Clearly my iPod views me as a heartless user. (This might be because of the number of times I�ve accidentally dropped it, including one where it was flung from my shirt pocket halfway across 6th Avenue and to the edge of a storm drain, as I dodged an oncoming taxi.) Oh, iPod, if you think I�ve been cruel thus far, you ain�t seen nothin� yet! 2. Will I have a happy life? �Waiting Room� - No Doubt This is the track from Rock Steady that was produced by and co-written with Prince, at the time still under his unpronounceable but sexy glyph name. The most oft-repeated lines in this fascinating and driving number are, �All I can do is wait for you� and �I�m all alone in the waiting room.� I guess that means I�m in line for one, but I�m gonna have to keep waiting. Well, fuck THAT. Hamlet waited, and look where it got him! 3. What do my friends really think of me? �M.E.� � Underworld A version of this was on an early Underworld single, then titled �Mother Earth�. The version my iPod knows is one of the last tracks on the album DUBNOBASSWITHMYHEADMAN. It begins lovingly, with the lines, �Can you hold me in your dreams? Can you feel me like I feel you?� being spoken by a digital voice. Karl Hyde�s verse vocals also seem encouraging: �I don�t want to kill time / I want it to live / I�m not wasting this life / I�m letting it in.� The song then becomes a vengeful environmentalist diatribe, delivered first from the perspective of a human, then, from that of the planet itself, closing with the refrain, �It�s a beautiful destination / For what it�s worth / A beautiful destination / Good-bye Mother Earth.� I think this means my friends realise that I�m passionate about life, very idealistic, a bit complicated, sometimes difficult, requiring a fair amount of effort, and sometimes best left alone. 4. What does my significant other think of me? �Raspberry Swirl (Lip Gloss Version)� - Tori Amos �If you want inside her, well, boy, you�d better make her raspberry swirl.� This would be SO appropriate, given my enjoyment of cunnilingus, if only I HAD a significant other! Maybe iPod�s point, like the song�s, is that I, like so many other men, need to work harder in the romantic interpersonal relationship arena. 5. Do people secretly lust after me? �This Charming Man� - The Smiths I think this is a �yes�, but I�m not certain. There�s so much ambivalence in the song that it might mean people secretly lust after me in a lukewarm sort of way. Or perhaps it means that people think I�m pretentious and over-rated. Or that I�m unattainable? Oh, iPod, you tease! You know I�m clueless in matters of the heart! 6. How can I make myself happy? �Sisters of Mercy� � Sting & the Chieftains This is a cover version off of the Tower of Song tribute album from the late-mid-1990s. The song is possibly about prostitutes, but the former lead-singer of The Police and the lovely gang of Irish lads turn it into a rather joyous dancing-ballad. My iPod thinks I should go live in Ireland and hang out with persons of questionable repute? 7. What should I do with my life? �Out of Sight� � The Shivs What? You don�t know this one? Hmm�That could be because I possess, as far as I know, the only extant recordings, one of Siobhan singing and playing the song solo on guitar, and one of the band sort-of slogging sloppily through it. You see, while WE�RE out of sight, SHE�S still writing new material. And it�s what we�ve come to expect, our girl wailing with her heart on her sleeve against a fairly peppy groove about�Well�Something about which she felt strongly enough to write a song. I�ll leak a little lyric: �Thursday night, and I don�t even know what time it is where you are now.� That�s all you get �til, perhaps, the next gig. But what did my iPod mean by this? As much as it hates me, clearly, it likes at least one of the bands with which I�ve taken up. And it resonates with the sentiment of the age old call and response, �Whaddyou wanna do with your life?� �I wanna rock!� There you have it. Some people believe in fairies. iPod and I? We believe in Shiv. 8. Why must life be so full of pain? �Sweet Sweet Baby (I�m Falling) (Live)� - Lone Justice Penned by Steven Van Zandt (referred to, even by Bono on U2�s Rattle and Hum recording, as �Little Steven�), Benmont Tench (one of Tom Petty�s Heartbreakers) and Maria McKee (the Little Diva herself � if you don�t know her material, you should), this live version, from Lone Justice�s This World Is Not My Home compilation is so raw the Pussycat Dolls look like stale hors d�oeuvres by comparison. A few strums of the guitar, and Maria pleads dizzily, �Sweet baby mine, I want you �round me all the time,� wailing the love-drunk lyrics above the band�s crash and grind (including a guitar solo that sounds strangely like The Edge�s playing). �I'm gracin' the edge / I'm losing my head / I'm fallin' / But I don't mind // You set the fire inside my soul / And the heat makes it hard to say no / I didn't wanna lose control / But I'm fallin'.� Life is full of pain because sometimes, we just can�t get enough of what we want and need when we�re fallin�. 9. How can I maximise my pleasure during sex? �Sexy Boy (Cassius Radio Mix)� � Air The French poetry about profitable matinee idols is gone from this version, replaced with a sample of someone else singing, �We were just kids, playin� in the rain,� and of course, the unmistakable refrain from this breakthrough single from the album Moon Safari, �Sexy Boy�. Over. And over. Again. Maybe iPod means I should play this song while having sex? Maybe iPod means I should have sex with sexy boys? Maybe iPod means that I am, myself, a sexy boy? Maybe iPod is just�Teasing�ME?! 10. Can you give me some advice? �Mysteries We Understand� - Sophie B. Hawkins Sophie often begins her concerts (If you haven�t seen her, even if you aren�t a fan, GO; she is a phenomenal performer!) with this, the second track off her debut album, Tongues and Tails. Follow this link: http://sophiebhawkins.com/music/mystery.htm. She says it far better than I ever could. 11. What do you think happiness is? �Moonlit Room (Drumland Mix)� � Revolt With no lyrics, I�m not sure how to interpret this answer. The track is a progressive house/trance piece off of Bedrock�s 2000 Foundations compilation. It mostly hangs out in the key of b minor, occasionally adding a 7 above the root or what sounds like a perfect 4th overtone. Is iPod telling me that happiness is analysing things less? That I should shut up and dance? Now, THERE�s some good advice! 12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days? �Where Is the Line� - Bjork Ouch! According to iPod, and perhaps Bjork's Medulla, either I�m getting ready to overstep my boundaries with someone, or I should be wary of someone overstepping boundaries with me. Thanks for the warning! 13. Will I die happy? �City of Blinding Lights� - U2 From the explosive How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, this anthemic rock gem contains instrumentation that makes me feel like flying and lines like, �Time won�t take the boy out of this man�Oh, you look so beautiful tonight / In the city of blinding lights�Blessings not just for the ones who kneel, luckily.� I�m taking that as a �yes�. Okay, enough wasted time analysing the nonexistent psychology of my little digital friend. Come on, now, buddy. Let�s grab my things and head back out into the city! I�ve got a rehearsal to go to downtown, and you know I don�t wanna go there without you! r Last Dispatch - Next Dispatch